The September Of My Years

Do you remember your birthdays when you were younger? Those themed birthday parties that held you as the center of attention? Inevitably, an aunt, uncle, or grandparent would come up to you, possibly give you the dreaded cheek pinch, and ask, “Do you feel older?”

No one asks that anymore. Why? Because they don’t want the real answer.

Yes, Tammy, I do feel older. Thanks for bringing that up. If you’d like, you can kick one of my cats in front of me and hint that it looks as though I’ve put on a few pounds. Maybe tell me I’m not intelligent, or that you’ve heard rumors that everyone secretly hates me.

No one likes a Tammy.

The fact is, my recent birthday does have me feeling older.

The day before, I spent an hour and a half at the Department of Motor Vehicles so I could renew my license. I sat in the company of an older woman who, unlike any other person in the building, was having to wait for her number to be called. She did some pacing. She did a lot of cursing under her breath. In fact, the only time she smiled was when she was finally having her ID picture taken. It was a smile of victory. My own picture turned out very differently. The employee taking the picture told me to look at the big cut-out of SpongeBob SquarePants just below the lens. And then kept telling me to lower my chin while still looking at the image. The resulting photograph makes me look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, but with an odd double-chin of which I was unaware I had. No worries. I’ll only have to carry that around with me for a handful of years, terrifying any cashier who is unfortunate enough to card me for alcohol.

Today, just before sitting down to write this, I had to access my blog page and change the age in my description from 37 to 38.

Within the last month, I’ve noticed that I now have random pains that like to surprise me. Upper right thigh? Check. Left ankle? Check. These make for an interesting image when they decide to kick in at the same time. I end up moving like an extra on The Walking Dead who is about to have something sharp poked through his forehead. I just hope Maggie does it so I can look her in the eyes and have one beautiful, shared moment.

A few weeks ago, a random customer on whom I was waiting (let’s call her Tammy), interrupted me while I was listing our draft beers to tell me I should get Botox because I have a frown wrinkle between my eyebrows. In fairness, “Tammy” had no wrinkles at all (nor expressions), despite being in her late sixties. Botox is afloat because of “Tammy.” However, that made me look at the rest of my skin. I now have weird wrinkles at the back of my wrists. Although I’ve prided myself on never being the guy with a furry back, rogue hairs occasionally pop up on my shoulders. Revenge is exacted on the bastards by way of a pair of tweezers and me craning my neck at an impossible angle, making the side of my neck look reminiscent of smooshing a bulldog’s face.

Standing up from this writing to use the restroom and grab some Tums reminded me of the substantial arthritis in my lower back to match the acid reflux.

Speaking of the restroom, I’m proud to announce that I usually only have to get up once in the middle of the night to use it. That doesn’t account for the twenty minutes of weighing my options before doing so. Can I sleep for another couple hours before urinating all over myself, or would it be better to do the hobbled zombie-walk to the toilet before the sounding of my alarm?

Do you remember the word “metabolism” from health class in junior high? It seemed like just one more thing we were being forced to learn that would have no bearing on us in life. “Metabolism” was my body’s form of trigonometry. It sounded important, but I would never have to worry about it outside the classroom. Now, I’m thinking of putting together a scrapbook in honor of my lost friend Metabolism. She was amazing. She was always there for me, even when I didn’t realize it. 15,000 calories in day? No problem. She rolled up her sleeves and kicked some tail. In the wake of Metabolism’s passing, eating a piece of bread is the equivalent of attaching an air pump to my love handles.

In my twenties, I was complimented all the time on my butt in a pair of jeans. I would get at least a few compliments while bartending every month. I’m not a vain person, but I’ll admit it always felt good. Those days are past. Imagine a Stone pine tree morphing into a Weeping Willow. You just visualized what happened to the old caboose. From a smile to a frown.

This is what has become of me at 38.

I had to renew my license because I have been driving for over two decades. During that time, I have traveled to some incredible places. I have seen the country.

I had to change my age on my blog page because I have been doing what I love and writing with dedication for almost a year.

My ankles and hips sometimes ache because I have spent my entire adult life working on my feet. I have built decks and houses. Homes for families. I have transported patients around a hospital, having conversations with them about their lives and watching them go from their worst to their best. I have trained servers and bartenders for a prominent restaurant chain, being partly responsible for the success of that company. I have served adult beverages that conquered people’s nerves enough to introduce themselves in bars. Some of those couples went on to marry and have children.

My skin has wrinkled and become tougher because I have spent so many gorgeous days in the sun. Cookouts with family. Walking the zoo with my daughter. Having drinks on a boat with friends.

I have acid reflux because I have spent decades feasting on delicious meals.

My back aches because I spent years carrying around the most unique and beautiful human being I’ve ever met. She calls me Dad.

My bladder, as tired as it may be, is only exhausted from multiple years of imbibing cocktails and holding it so as not to miss one more laugh with company.

As for my metabolism and sad posterior, they’re simply reminding me that exercise is important and to never become complacent.

This is what has become of me at 38.

I’ll take it.

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Dream A Little Dream

On my bookshelf sits a book entitled The Dream Encyclopedia. It was given to me on May 30th, 1997. I know this because it was inscribed by my Senior year high school Psychology teacher. She didn’t give me this gift because we had some creepy, torrid love affair. She gave it to me because she saw that I was fascinated by sleep and dreams during that section in the course. It was a graduation gift. Her last chance to foster the further education of an engaged student. I’ve always appreciated that. Some teachers teach seven hours a day, five days a week. Others are educators. Thanks for being the latter, Mrs. P.

My interest in sleep and dreams hasn’t changed much over the twenty years since I left high school. We are supposed to spend 1/3 of every day sleeping. 1/3 of our lives in this state. I don’t spend that much time eating or drinking, and I will die within days if I forego either of those. How could this thing that takes up so much of our lives not be interesting? How could I not want to know more about it?

There are five stages of sleep. The first four are difficult to keep track of, so pay attention. The stages are called 1, 2, 3, and 4. I had to bust out my old Psychology text to remember that. The fifth stage is known as REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement). If I lost you, I apologize. The scientists and/or psychologists who named these were arrogant pricks. They clearly wanted to prove how scholarly they were.

Each stage is marked by different changes in brain wave patterns. The initial shift from waking brain waves to those of Stage 1 elicits a sensation of falling. Have you ever fallen asleep at school, work, or on an airplane? That feeling that suddenly snaps you back to waking—usually paired with a generous amount of drool spilling from your cakehole—was you moving into Stage 1 sleep. Without getting too technical, Stage 1 results in theta waves. It’s a light sleep. During this stage, you can be woken easily by outside stimuli, such as a cat meowing for attention because your daughter went back to her mother’s house and is not giving him affection every single second, meaning you just want to close your bedroom door, but that will only intensify the meowing and you work in the morning and just want some damn sleep so you can earn enough money to buy the little bastard some more cat food.

Stage 2 is actually the most restful stage, although not the deepest. It is also marked by theta waves, but the frequency and amplitude increase. Because Stages 1 and 2 are such light sleep stages, if you are woken during one of these, you will probably not recall being asleep at all. Have you tried taking a short nap before and heard your alarm go off after not believing you slept, but still feeling slightly more relaxed? That is likely what happened.

Stages 3 and 4 are marked by delta waves. They’re pretty close to one another, apart from 3 having slightly fewer delta waves than 4. These are the deepest stages of sleep. It’s tough to be woken up from them. When you are, you wake feeling groggy and disoriented. They are also where sleep-walking and sleep-talking occur. Personally, I’ve never been known to sleep-walk. My oldest sister, on the other hand, used to do it occasionally during puberty. My step-dad once recalled sitting in the living room in the dark, watching TV when my sister stepped out of her room and stood at the edge of the living room while staring at him and not responding to any questions. For a few minutes. That anecdote made me realize my step-dad was a braver man than me. He neither cried for mercy nor loosed his bowels into his pants. If I were sitting in a dark room and a young girl in a nightgown did that to me, the result would have included both. I’ve seen The Exorcist. I know what’s up. While I don’t sleep-walk, I have been told I sleep-talk—or, more accurately, sleep-giggle. Yeah. I mumble something incoherent and then giggle like a little child. I may have just realized why I’m still single.

REM is the final stage of stage of sleep, also known as dreaming sleep. In this stage, brain waves are akin to those of being awake. Your eyes dart from side to side under your eyelids. Your face, fingers, and toes might still move sporadically. However, the muscles in the rest of your body become nearly paralyzed. This is your body’s way of keeping you from acting out your dreams. I once read about a man who had a rare condition. His body wouldn’t become paralyzed during REM. He dreamt that he stabbed his mother to death and woke up to find that he had actually done it. If there were an award for the worst dream ever, that guy won hands down.

Most scholars agree that REM is the most important stage of sleep, although they can’t necessarily explain why. Most believe it is in this stage that we compartmentalize our days. We sort and order our brains and the result is dreaming. How important is it? In a study done on rats, they were woken as soon as their brain waves showed movement into REM. After a long period of being deprived of that sleep, the rats died. Similar studies were done on humans. Most of those subjects began having waking hallucinations and exhibiting signs of insanity.

Naturally, this would suggest that REM sleep is imperative for intelligent, living beings. However, dolphins and whales don’t seem to have this stage at all. Meanwhile, the platypus, arguably the stupidest creature in the world aside from the “cash me ow-sie” girl, spends a great deal of its sleeping time in REM—more than any other animal.

What I find especially intriguing about REM sleep is that it auto-corrects. On average, we have 4-5 full sleep cycles per night. We move down from Stage 1 to REM. We then move back up through the cycles, with Stage 1 being replaced with REM again. Then back down and back up the same. The first REM cycle generally lasts only about five minutes. As the cycles go on, 3 and 4 become shorter while 2 and REM become longer, resulting in a REM cycle of about forty minutes just before waking. When subjects are denied REM, they often skip the other steps and jump right back into it, and for longer periods of time. Have you ever woken up because you were having a terrible dream, only to fall right back into it? That’s why.

Dreams are necessary.

I also discovered over time that they can’t be generalized. The Dream Encyclopedia offers interpretations for various images we might see in our dreams. Those interpretations are amazingly diverse. For example, water in a dream can be a reference to the unconscious. Because fluids are involved in sex, Freud believed it was a sex symbol (but, in fairness, that guy connected everything to sex). Some claim it speaks to a feeling of drowning. Others to an expanse of possibility.

The truth is that no book can tell us what a specific symbol or image means. It is represented within our own minds. A child dreaming of a clown might see it as joy and laughter. My youngest sister would probably see it as impending death. She claims I tied her to a chair when we were young and forced her to watch It. While I don’t recall that at all, her absolute phobia of clowns must be the result of something…And I was an asshole in my youth.

What about our waking time? Those dreams that exist not in our minds, but our hearts? Are those dreams really any different? They’re unique to all of us. I would argue that they are also necessary to maintain our sanity.

What is your dream?

Are you a painter? A singer? A writer? A doctor? A body-builder? A dancer? A parent? A soldier?

We often discard these dreams all the time. We toss them aside to “live in the real world” and spend our lives in some deep sleep in which we walk and talk, but have no memory of it. We convince ourselves that dreams evaporate and are forgotten.

But dreams are necessary. And they always auto-correct.

What’s yours?

Twilight

I’m single. That used to mean something different to me. Being single meant I was “on the prowl.” No girlfriend. No ball and chain. Nothing holding me back. I’d get ready to go out to the bars that night and give myself a pep talk. I might even have followed it with a wink.

Did you just cringe? Yeah. Me too. I hate that guy. That guy was a douche.

Don’t get me wrong. That Guy provided me with a lot of stories. My close friends know about “Yoda” and “F.P.L.” as well as a sad parade of others. They know about jacket-stealing crazies and cyber-hacking lunatics. That Guy was a magnet for trouble. Maybe he knew I’d write one day and was simply trying to provide me with unlimited material.

Thank you, That Guy, but your stories should never be told to the general public. Your shenanigans should never be put into written word.

Regardless, That Guy never lasted long. Empty casual flings led to a longing for “the real deal.” A real, long-term relationship. So, That Guy would step aside for The Other Guy. The Other Guy created online profiles on dating sites. He scoured those sites, reading endless profiles about women who “looooove” football and prefer to spend their days running seven consecutive marathons, attending every country music concert in a tri-state area, and sky-diving into piranha-infested waters because “yolo.” On a disturbing side note, my laptop did not highlight “yolo” as a possible misspelling. None of the women were there for casual hook-ups so, if that’s what you wanted, “swipe left.” When the Other Guy would find a woman who seemed interesting, he would try to have conversations with her, asking her about things she’d written in her profile and offering witty and intelligent banter. He wouldn’t try to maneuver her into a casual hook-up or send unsolicited pictures of his no-no region. Obviously, that worked out well. Number of women met in person from online dating: 0.

Recently, I’ve found myself in uncharted territory. I’m comfortable.

I work. I pick up my daughter from school. I spend time with her that night. I drop her off at school the next day. I do some chores. I exercise. I go to work again. I come home. I play video games. I watch movies or television. Rinse and repeat.

This Guy’s life is far from exciting. But it’s comfortable. There is an odd calm that has come over me. A twilight version of my life—I’m not referring to Team Edward vs. Team Jacob (Team Jacob). When the sun is starting to sink below the horizon and the air cools just a bit, the world for me is filled with something soothing and beautiful. It’s akin to the moment just before two lovers fall asleep in each other’s arms while they quietly talk about nothing. That is This Guy’s life right now.

Some of my friends are worried about me because they never see me out. Others have probably nearly forgotten me completely. Yet others have voiced how disappointed they are in me for “losing my mojo” and no longer having any new outrageous and/or disgusting adult stories to tell (you’re a terrible influence, Lori).

I’ve been That Guy. That Guy is obnoxious and kind of creepy. And I’ve been the Other Guy. The Other Guy gets lonely and craves companionship. But This Guy—This Guy is happy. This Guy is a writer. This Guy gets to sit outside and watch the sunset.

A Day In The Life

August 28th. It’s just a date on a calendar. One day in the midst of 364 others. Today, I scrolled through my news feed on Facebook. In short time, I saw that that date—today’s date—means so many different things. Being a Monday, some of my friends are having particularly bad days at work. One friend is celebrating her 18th wedding anniversary with her husband. Another is without power in the middle of massive flooding in Texas. One friend sent her son off to school for his first day ever. Yet another began the first day of her senior year in college. Yet still, another mourns the anniversary of a father’s death. Others are celebrating birthdays.

That random Tuesday on any given week, where nothing of interest happens, can also be the best or worst day of another’s life. It will become a date that is never forgotten in the minds of others. I have other dates:

April 26, 1986—The fourth reactor at the Chernobyl power station exploded.

April 26, 1990—126 people died in a 6.9 earthquake in China.

April 26, 1991—23 people were killed in Kansas and Oklahoma by tornadoes.

April 26, 1993—A Boeing 737 crashed at Aurangabad, killing 56 people.

April 26, 1994—An A300 Airbus flying from Taiwan crashed in Nagoya, Japan, killing 262 people.

April 26, 2006—At 10:24 am, a baby girl was born into the world.

For everyone involved, each example of April 26th started off as any other day. By the end of the day in most of those examples, it had become the worst day of their lives. A date locked forever in the minds of those there, their friends, and their families. The last example was the birth of my daughter. My best day falls on the same date as the worst for thousands of others.

It’s true that we often can’t control the best or worst days of our lives. Tragedy sneaks up behind us. Fortune surprises us. One day on a calendar becomes a monument in the blink of an eye with little or no assistance from us. That One Day refuses to let its presence be forgotten.

What does that mean? It means we are left with 364 others. Will today be my best day? Maybe. Will it be my worst day? Possibly. Will today come and go without any significance? Probably. But today represents possibility. Tomorrow represents possibility. Every year, I have 365 opportunities to have the best day of my life.

I am a flawed man. I don’t always follow through. But I’m trying to look at calendars differently lately. I’d like to think the entire calendar is an advent calendar. Just as December’s countdown-to-Christmas advent calendar offers a treat behind every little door, so does that of February, May, August, and every month. If I work hard enough, maybe every date can be a monument in my mind.

So, today I’m going to buy a calendar. Something with a badass theme like Game of Thrones or kittens. I’m going to write down every significant date in my life and mark it on the calendar. Every new cause for celebration will be added. And at the end of the year, I’m going to transfer those dates to the next calendar. On and on, until I have an entire year of important dates.

Possibility.

Total Eclipse Of The Heart

“Eclipse” is a noun, meaning “an obscuring of the light from one celestial body by the passage of another between it and the observer or between it and its source of illumination.” It is also a verb, meaning to “obscure or block out” or “deprive of significance, power, or prominence.”

As I sat outside today during the solar eclipse, a few things happened. First, there was the obvious. What should have been a typical afternoon with a bright sun shining down instead became an odd twilight. The shadows were long and moved in directions different than usual. Unfortunately, cloud cover restricted any real view of the eclipsed sun itself. However, that allowed me to focus on everything else. During those few minutes, the world shifted. Cicadas and crickets suddenly began their evening chorus. The birds changed songs and began harmonizing their melodies of dusk. Even flowers started to close in on themselves as if tucking themselves into bed. It was surreal. It was amazing.

But something else happened as well. A couple that lives across from me stepped outside to witness it. We talked beyond the off-handed greetings we share occasionally as we pass one another. We had conversation. My social media feeds were filled with photographs of an eclipsed sun and posts about the beauty of the celestial event. All the talk of hate, violence, bigotry, and politics disappeared for a short while. It, like the sun, had been eclipsed. These things still existed, but for a few moments, they were out of sight.

I’m certainly not claiming that the real problems of the world should be ignored or tucked away to be forgotten. They should be addressed and it’s imperative that we stand up for what is right. But today has shown me that human beings are capable allowing themselves to be enveloped in things other than anger, hatred, and sadness. We can see beauty. We can share beauty with one another.

So, I ask myself, “What angers, upsets, or saddens me? Is it a problem that needs to be addressed right this minute? Am I angry, upset, or sad simply because someone doesn’t agree with my particular viewpoint? Or is it an actual injustice that is harming myself or others? If not, why allow it to control my emotions?”

Whenever possible, I will choose the eclipse. Maybe if we set ourselves on the course of appreciating a book, someone else’s opinion, a song, a child’s laughter, the company of a friend, or the touch of a lover, we can all choose the eclipse. And deprive all the rest of its significance, power, or prominence.

What If…?

A few weeks ago, I attended my 20-year high school reunion. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go initially. I had only gone to school with these people for those four years, having grown up in a different town. I didn’t think I’d have much to discuss with them. The crowd I’d hung out with in my early high school career weren’t going to attend—likely because most of them are surely dead or in prison. No, I did not hang out with the honor roll students. My crowd was morally ambiguous at best. My closest friends from my later high school career were unable to make it. Thus, I figured I’d be talking to only a couple others and wondering why I’d given up a Saturday night shift at work.

I went to my 10-year reunion when that had come about. There was a strange pressure to seem vocationally successful. Most of the conversation had revolved around that. What do you do? How much do you make? The prospect of going through that again was less than thrilling.

However, I spoke to a friend of mine shortly before the reunion. He’s slightly older and had opted out of going to his 20-year. He had been going through a divorce at the time of his reunion and felt like he didn’t have it “together.” Now, he wishes that he had gone. He helped make my decision. I would go, but would probably hate every minute of it.

With all of that said, I highly recommend everyone attend their 20-year. First off, we had more alumni show up than had at the 10-year. More importantly, the entire affair was different. We had all reached an age at which what you do was not nearly as important as who you are. I overheard discussions about careers. I even had a few myself. But there was a casual joviality present. My former classmates and I were not worried about who was successful. We were allowing ourselves to bask in the presence of one another. We were learning who each of us had become as opposed to what we had become. We smiled. We laughed. We told stories. We reminisced.

It was in that reminiscing that I began to wonder days later. How am I different from the boy that I was? What events changed me? What decisions did I make that altered my path? If I could go back and change anything, what would it be?

I lost my virginity at a young age. I had no idea what I was doing, let alone the importance and power of that act. Perhaps if I hadn’t lost it back then and waited until I could fully grasp the moment, I would view sex differently. Maybe I would have fallen in love with that woman. Maybe I would be happily married today.

When I went to college fresh out of high school, I majored in English with a focus in creative writing. I felt working long hours to pay for books and housing was too much of a burden on me on top of my classroom responsibilities. I was tired all the time. So, I dropped out. Having gone back later to earn my degree in Criminal Justice while working full-time and being a parent, that earlier workload seems miniscule. What if I had simply stuck with it? Maybe I would have gone on to live in a big city, writing for a prominent publication. Maybe I would be a successful fiction author.

At age 19, I was seriously considering going into the military. However, I began working at a restaurant that promoted me quickly through the ranks. I discarded thoughts of joining the military. I had a good job. I was respected and appreciated at work. I left the company years later and now find myself still serving and bartending. What if I had opted for the military instead? Maybe I would have risen through those ranks as well. Maybe I could have been a military man with benefits and a secure future. Maybe I could have gone on to work as a police officer or firefighter when I passed the testing, instead of losing points in the interview for having no military background.

At age 21, I met Sarah. She was the most beautiful and intelligent woman I’d ever known. She made me laugh. She encouraged my writing. She challenged me. I fell in love with her. After a few years of having been together, she was offered a career in New York. It was an opportunity she couldn’t allow to pass by her. She had to move halfway across the country. She asked me to come with her. Out of fear of the unknown and that level of commitment, I turned her down. Instead, we would remain friends and said if it was meant to be, it would. I still see her in my dreams sometimes. And it still makes my heart break. What if I had gone with her? Maybe she would have challenged me to be an artist with my writing in New York. Maybe I would have married the one woman who loved me for who I was and who also knew there was more inside me when I didn’t recognize it myself.

At age 24, I met Liz. Although Liz was also beautiful and intelligent, what drew me to her was her passion. She believed in living for the moment. She brought me adventure. I laughed with her harder than I have with any other woman. Together, we were a force with which to be reckoned. We drank. We joked. We made love. I loved her for the abandon she caused me to feel. All relationships that thrive from unbridled living, though, also struggle with brutal arguments. We had our fair share interlaced with the joy. When it ultimately didn’t work out, I found myself in a bad place. I drank too much. I slept with women for whom I felt nothing. I became slightly jaded. What if I had never met her? Maybe I wouldn’t be so cautious with women now. Maybe I wouldn’t prefer the company of movies at home over a couple cocktails in bars, enjoying the company of a lady.

I could have done any one of these things (and so many more) differently. Any one of those decisions going the other way could have changed me drastically from who I am today. I would be a different person.

Last night, as I do every night she is with me, I tucked my daughter into bed. She instantly shot her arms out from under the covers to put her hands on the sides of my face. She does this because I try to kiss her ears and make lip-smacking sounds. It’s a game we play. She tries to stop me. I try to sneak past her hands. She giggles, which is a rarity for an almost twelve-year-old girl. I then kiss her forehead and tell her goodnight.

It is because of that moment on those nights that I have my answer to the what would you change question. The answer is nothing.

As with the concept behind Chaos Theory and the flutter of a butterfly’s wings, changing the most seemingly inconsequential thing can change it all. What if I’d lost my virginity differently and was happily married? I wouldn’t have my daughter. What if I had gotten an English degree and become a successful fiction author? I wouldn’t have my daughter. What if I had moved overseas with the military and seen the world? Same. What if I’d moved to New York with Sarah? Same. What if I never met Liz? Most importantly, I would not have my daughter, because Liz is her mother.

Am I what most people consider to be successful? No. Do I sometimes struggle with bills? Yes. Do I sometimes get lonely when I have no one with whom to share my day? Yes. Do I sometimes think how nice it would be to live in a place where I could step into the ocean? Yes.

Would I change a single thing? No.

Because I have hands on my face. And a giggle in my ear.

(It) Feels So Good

When was the last time you felt angry? Sad? Hurt? Embarrassed? These images and emotions are easy to conjure. With very little effort, we can bring them back in our minds. Like cacti, they require minimal nourishment and still thrive. Also like cacti, they can be dangerous when handled. These feelings pierce us and cause us pain.

Now ask yourself another question: When was the last time you felt true joy?

On my way to work the other day, I pulled up to a stop light. The woman in the car next to me didn’t immediately register my presence. She was switching through the radio stations and, for just a moment as I pulled up and glanced over, I saw her face light up and her mouth drop open in unbridled happiness. I have no idea what she had stumbled upon. A favorite song maybe. A stand-up comic on a comedy station perhaps. Hearing her name being said in a news story possibly. Regardless of the cause, it was a second of pure joy. It emitted out of her like a lighthouse beacon. That light shone right into my own car. It actually made me feel better. And then it was gone just as quickly. Her eyes snapped slightly to her right and “reality” set in. She was not alone. Her face deadened and she started bobbing her head with only a hint of a smirk set on her lips. Nope. Flag on the play. Ten yards for exhibiting joy. No public displays of true happiness allowed.

I felt as though I had walked into a bathroom as a strange woman climbed out of the shower, unaware of someone else there. Her instantaneous withdrawal back into herself was like the yanking of a towel to cover her naked soul. It was surreal. And heartbreaking.

I’m left wondering at what point we stop allowing happiness to be all-consuming. Have you ever taken a two-year-old outside to blow bubbles or play in a sprinkler? Elation. Ever made a raspberry-fart on a baby’s belly? Jubilation. Look at the face of a seven-year-old on a bike, flying down the road at break-neck speeds with the wind tossing his hair. Revelry.

We are born with the capacity to experience joy in the simplest things. To be human is to be joyful. It’s only through our own shortcomings that we allow the world around us to take that away. Do bad things happen? Certainly. Is the world a stressful place? Absolutely. Does any of that matter? Only if we let it.

I’m working on opening myself to more unbridled joy. Last night, I made a taco salad that I’d anticipated for two days. I experienced what could only be described as ecstasy while eating it (the fact that I’d had a few cocktails prior should have no bearing). Saturday at work, I laughed with coworkers until I had tears in my eyes. I can’t even remember what we were laughing about, but I’m holding that feeling with me still today. While I drive to my daughter’s softball game tonight, I’m going to put the windows down and sing at the top of my lungs to whatever catches my fancy. Maybe I’ll inspire other car singers to put on their own concerts. Maybe they’ll do the same to even more. And that’s how it should be. When it comes to rapture, may it always be expansive.